Family values are at the centre of everyone’s life and it is these values rather than skills that are passed down through generations. The following values are mentioned over and over again between family members:
Click on the Older, Middle and Younger generational picture frames to activate audio and transcripts of
each family member.
Eve: So, what values do you think were important then?
William: The values were family values. It was considered right that you didn't have children until you was married. In fact, if you did have a baby - if a girl had a baby and it wasn't her fault you know it's two peoples fault - especially in the East End, with the working class, the family would be isolated. I still remember well as a boy that a girl had a baby and it was half- caste from an American airman and actually no one spoke to them after that. The daughter and the airman lived in Beaumont Road which is no longer there and other people didn't make their life a misery, they just didn't talk to them. The mother and the grandmother either. And they moved out. They were virtually forced out by Victorian attitudes. Although the rich didn't have such attitudes. It was the working class that had them.
Michael: You know like your mum and dad, didn’t they… they both worked hard… you know they wasn’t very wealthy… but I can’t say that some people… We wasn’t wealthy but we was all right if you know what I mean… and they both worked hard and I think you get that without realising it… you got to work for whatever you want.
Eve: I think so… you sort of learn things by osmosis in a way.
Debbie: Being there with them
Michael: It wasn’t the case of them sitting down and having a chat, that sort of stuff. I think you just pick it up from them without realising it… I think, especially with our elder two… I’d be amazed if they’ve picked it up cos we probably disagree on everything… well I do… well especially Brian, the one that you’re going to speak to on video… he’s got some quite strong views and stuff which is great… I’m not knocking that but if he said he’s picked up something from someone. …especially me, I’d be amazed.
Michael: I suppose it all depends on the group of friends you got really, and all mine were pretty good. It was all football, football, football. That’s all we ever did… played sport and football really.
Eve: Did you go and watch West Ham?
Michael: Yeah, I did yeah. Funny enough, my neighbour … he’s still around, they don’t live next door anymore, but my dad really wasn’t into, football, West Ham … the neighbour next door was, and he come in one day and said,’ Does Michael want to go football?’ I don’t think I was that fussed really, but I said all right, I’d go. I went that one time and I was hooked… ever since that first time and I’ve still got the programme from that game, we found one on the way out… the neighbour found one on the way out and he said, ‘You can have that as a souvenir.’ and I’ve still got it. Sixty- nine it was.
Eve: What about values? Can you remember any real values you learnt from your parents… your mums and dads and that you’ve wanted to pass on.
Debbie: Family values really. I keep saying to the children, ‘Look your brothers and sisters are family no matter what. You’re always going to have that connection. So be nice.’ And that’s one thing we’ve always said, even though they fight and everything else, … that’s one thing I really have….
Michael: Mmm.
Debbie: And they do don’t they. They get on better apart than when they’re together. Erm, so yeah that is one thing I’ve always said, like… you’ve got to … you’re brothers and sisters… you’ve got to stay together… you ‘ve always got to be there for each other.
Michael: A lot of that is… you don’t… you don’t … we never sat down … my dad died when I was sixteen, you see, so I was quite young… so we never sat down and had a chat about stuff… about life, I think you pick up things without realising.
Debbie: I never forced my children to go to school. He used to say to me. ‘They’ve got to go, they’ve got to go’, I said, ‘No. I’d rather them if they don’t want to go, I’d rather them come home here instead of walk the streets’. Luckily enough we never had none of that did we?
Michael: No
Eve: What sort of values would you say were important as you were growing up? You know, that your parents were teaching you.
Susan: Well I think they instilled that if they said, ‘No’, it was No. We only ever had presents on birthdays and Christmas, we never had presents any other time. We never had treats, other than at Christmas time. As I got older we used to go to the circus and it was a proper, what I call a proper circus. John Mills big circus, Smart’s, we used to go up London. We’d see funny things there like a flea circus. And how can you see fleas? But they did. You’d have a big magnifying glass…and you’d watch these little fleas doing tricks…. The lions, the tigers, because we never had zoos, so that was your only way of seeing exotic animals and an elephant you know what is an elephant but till you actually saw an elephant or monkeys because where would you go to see them and they were just so exciting… but horses you saw because everyone had horse carriages because horses used to drop the coal off. You’d get the rag and bone man with his ‘any old iron’ and things like that.
Susan: So you get lots of good bits and bad bits but I hope I’ve instilled in them, well not so much Jason because he’s a boy, they’re different. …. In my daughter, values, family values. We are our family. There’s only us I mean I’ve got aunts and uncles but we don’t see them cos they’ve all done the moving. They all live up Raleigh, Ockenden and all places like that
Susan: But we are family. I know where my daughter is. I mean I don’t see her every day but I speak to her. We’re not in each other’s pockets, not like they used to be in olden days where you’d call in here and call in there. She works from home most of the time, but, if we need each other we’re there. If I need something or if she needs something we know we can call on each other, and that is… we are family. So if we move and touch wood, I’m still here, we go as a family.
Eve: When you were young and you grew up and you learned in school, did you learn from your parents as well, what sort of things do you look at now that you could have learnt? Values?
Mary: Yeah, values, which kids haven’t got today… you had to be, not rude to your elders… that is what we always learnt.
James: If you was caught being rude to anyone of your elders, you ‘d be in trouble.
Mary: You didn’t need it or nothing like that, you knew what you had to do and that’s it. I mean no one … I was naughty, I used to smoke and my mum didn’t know… but that’s nothing to what the kids do today is it? I don’t know. Mind you, I wasn’t always good at school either.
Eve: Do you think you passed some of those things on to your children?
James: Yeah, sort of, yeah.
Mary: We try.
Eve: And talking about values, are there some that you learnt from your Mum and Dad and that your hope that you've passed on to Emma and to Charly?
Melissa: The hard working side would have come from Mum because from her I got the idea of work experience and working hard and the Trust and the Trust teaches us helpfulness, too much helpfulness really, sometimes I give it too much of my life, sometimes I feel I need to step back and look at what I'm doing, but the hard work ethic, yes, I got from my Mum and from the Trust but certainly the hard work ethic that I got from my Mum, not peeling potatoes and things like that. That’s not me.
Eve: And you hope you pass all that on to your daughter? Do you think you would like to pass different things onto her than the things that you've done?
Melissa: You wish that she would do things that you certainly have passed on but then that's teenagers! They only do what they want to do you can only guide them as far as you can in a certain direction. Otherwise they go against you.
Eve: Do you think you've taught your Dad anything?
Melissa: I’ve shown him how to use Skype with, for example, our cousin in Australia. I’ve actually shown Dad how to do emails. He gets very frustrated with them but he’s actually very good at it now. It's really hard to teach someone who's got such a high level of knowledge anyway and some people don't always like to learn new ways. I know that depends on you as a person you have a certain way of doing things and sometimes you know you want to show someone something that is quicker and better but you can't.
Melissa: Mum used to help me with counting by using spoons in the drawer and if we run out of spoons she would use the forks and knives so that it would help me with counting so Mum would always set the table with me and she was very good at Maths but Mum didn't like reading but then Mum would always read on a holiday whenever she went or down the caravan but Mum would always help me with my homework with the counting and she pushed me to do the typing at the school because I may not be ‘A’ level or ‘O’ level material but I certainly passed on typing with distinction on a manual typewriter and that was thanks to Mum pushing the school. Otherwise I wouldn't have got my typing skills. I did excel with that and that obviously helped me start with working. I actually done my exams before I was doing work experience.
Eve: I suppose one important thing is, what do you think that you’ve learnt from, you know, your mum and values in life? Do you think there’s been a big change? I mean do you think you have very different values from your grandma for example? Or do you think basically you share very similar ones?
Karen: . I think also manners. I would say if anything that’s probably the biggest thing, manners and I think sometimes old people are the worst... So I do think if anything, old people have got worse. I mean I know I’m getting old, but … manners, cost nothing, manners and respect. If you’ve got those two things and you know my mum’s always like that with me… I’m always like that with them and if they ever brought anyone round, I would still say even… I would still say to them, whether their parents do it, I don’t know, but I would say ‘What do you say?’ and I know my mum does it, you know ‘What do you say?’ So I think if anything, I would say it’s those two things.
Eve: Yeah so you do have…
Lisa: A traditional…family
Eve: Yes, I had the feeling that you.
Nicky: Yeah we’re very close.
Eve: So if you thought about values that you learned from your family and want to pass on… obviously you have already passed things on but…that you would want to pass on, Nicky, erm what do you think? What values do you think you might have learned from your mum and dad and your granddad and grandma? Any particular values?
Lisa: To respect people.
Lisa: It was strict when we was growing up. We wasn’t allowed out late. It wasn’t like we could do what we want. That generation was still that generation where you had to watch your kids and like everything, and they were strict with me.
Eve: And do you think you passed those child-rearing ways to your…?
Lisa: Yeh, we never went out, never hang down the streets, so they could stay outside the door. Nicky used to bring a lot of her mates home which I liked, cos I knew where they was and it was a lot easier when they was little. I think it’s more harder now, that she’s older. I worry more now when she’s out and when she’s driving, because you’re more aware of what’s going on. So I worry like last night, she went out. I knew she was down the city – West End was you? – so I worry more about her being out now than this side.
Brian: Generally, I noticed that my parents were much stricter than a lot of other English families as I noticed much more later on than when I was younger. I think there were certain benefits from that. There were a lot of benefits. I don't think my parents thought it was a particularly good thing to be playing in the street, and on the other side, I was always an introverted sort of child I think. I felt a bit bullied in primary school and there were very few times then after that when I did go out during primary school or secondary school. Even during secondary school, rather than taking a packed lunch, I used to go home as it was within walking distance and I don't know if the option is there now, but I used to go home for lunch.
Brian: I think, I think it's a quintessentially British thing but I think manners were very important. ‘Please’ and ‘thank you’ and things like that. Swearing was, like, taboo in my house and it's something that I learnt later on that, like swearing wasn't such a big deal in other houses. So I think manners, honesty, not lying was really strongly instilled in me. I mean even white lies, I mean big lies or something I would never tell, but even if it was something simple, say I was in the shop and they're giving me an extra 10p change I wouldn't feel ok just to walk away. I would have to tell them and I think that's what my parents taught me. They taught me the value of being honest, yes, that's one of the main things.
Christopher: Yeah I feel I’ve been very lucky in front of other people. I was quite… I wouldn’t say spoilt, ‘cos I wasn’t given everything I wanted, but you know, come Christmas, birthdays the usual probably birthday parties. They looked after us well. I was perhaps spoilt at times and then who doesn’t spoil their kids from time to time…yeah, no… it was a good upbringing to be fair … there was nothing that... probably half the time if I wanted something they’d probably try really hard to get it. I wouldn’t always get what I wanted, which is right cos I think if you’re spoilt you don’t really come out very nice, so yeah.
Eve: So would you like to pass sort of some of that upbringing on to your daughter?
Christopher: I would yeah. Obviously I’ll try to work as hard as I can… to give everything I can. Yeah I would like that and the same mannerisms and everything else. I think whatever’s passed to you, you want to pass down yourself, in a way. It’s a shame cos I would like her to see perhaps what I’ve seen in this area, growing up or before that but I’ve not really seen it I suppose, neither she will.
Eve: How did your mum and dad teach those (skills and values) to you?
Christopher: Yeah. I mean he’s (Dad’s) quite good with his hands. He’ll have a go at anything… From what he’s told me that’s been passed from his old man. Cos when he talks about his old man, erm apparently, he was always watching his old man.
Eve: Yes, that’s what he says. So did you watch your dad, do you think?
Christopher: Not as much as I should have probably, cos he does take a lot on and he’ll have a go at anything even if he’s not great at it but he probably learnt a lot for himself. Erm I’ve stood and watched him a few times, but I probably, say, I’m probably not as good. But that might be my own fault like, I’ve not enough confidence. I should have a go at it more really. Likewise we’re doing the baby room up and he said, ‘Go on then, you have a go at it’ cos it’s obviously my child and what not. So I’ve had a little go at it and whatever. Yeah I do try.
Christopher: No, there are no British values (around here) and they don’t really care about British values. They’ve obviously died out a lot
Eve: What would you call British values?
Christopher: Erm, it’s hard to explain really, you know the British way of life and the typical East End way of life as well... I’d love to have seen that and I’ve never really seen that … I seen them on TV and on documentaries. I like watching documentaries and all that, seeing how it used to be. There was recently a programme about even the blitz. It showed you somebody getting bombed, showed you even then probably it was a better togetherness, even during the war which is quite sad. If I see there was better togetherness during the war. You wouldn’t get that now. Even if something like that you wouldn’t get togetherness now… no one to help you out which is quite sad.
Eve: What about values? If you think back to learning with your mum and dad what sort of values do you think you might have learnt from them?
Jason: I definitely think from my mum especially, hard work and always try. I think, when I was younger I think my teachers thought I was slow and my mum wanted to push me a bit further to work more and I think I did well in exams when I was younger. I definitely think hard work was one of the values that I learnt… Yes. It was at primary school when I was a bit behind with reading maybe. I can’t remember exactly what it was. I just remember being behind and mum used to help me. Definitely hard work was a value.
Eve: You must have done well if you went to university?
Jason: Yes, I must have picked something up somewhere apparently. More values… Helping people actually, I think, helping out, lending a helping hand was very important to us I remember that.
Eve: You did study law of course and that might have had something to do with your dad?
Jason: It was very exciting to me at the time so exciting to see because he works at quite a high level it's not like most law practice, it's a high-level and very exciting to see that side of it. Again when I was younger it felt so far away and now it seems like nothing, but we'd go through Southwark are we had to go across London Bridge and it seemed very exciting.
Jason: My mum’s always had this sort of make yourself happy which has been very freeing for me. She’s always felt very supportive, been very supportive. Whatever it was, whatever I would have chosen, it would have been absolutely fine for her. She wasn't strict or rigid or anything. Happiness was a primary concern rather than anything else.
Jason: She was definitely less strict than other people, I think, not necessarily in the area, but often people outside the area, like those I went to Uni with, seem to be less, not kind, but less open, less fluid with what their children did. I think my friend Daniel, his mum is more controlling. Again I think she wants the best for him and I don't think there would have been anything that would have caused a big issue for him.
Eve: I understand what you mean and although you were her youngest child by far she's like a very modern mum isn't she?
Jason: Yes, she is, she's very modern that's right, that's a good way of describing it.
Eve: I suppose one important thing is, what do you think that you’ve learnt from, you know, your mum and values in life sort of growing up round here and do you think they’ve been passed on to you both the same or do you think l there’s been a big change? I mean do you think you have very different values from your grandma for example? Or do you think basically you share very similar ones?
Jenny: I don’t think it’s very different. I think it’s very similar. I think because of our family in particular, and the things that have happened in it...well our family’s very tight knit and it’s literally cos we lived there and here and there was like my sister, my mum has always said she would never leave until my nan’s not here, same as I would never leave till my mum was not here, and my nan’s always like ‘you do what you want to do for you.’ Mum’s just the same. I think it’s very similar. I think it’s because of the women in the family, they’re very like…we’re not very submissive… we do what we want to do and speak our minds... and if you don’t like it then you don’t like it. I do think that’s something that my nan’s passed to my mum and my mum’s passed to me that’s very strong headed to do what you want to do regardless of what anyone says and you speak your mind and your opinion is your opinion cos everybody’s entitled to it.
Eve: What values do you think you might have learned from your mum and dad and your granddad and grandma? Any particular values?
Nicky: Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve – it’s a very true saying that I hear at least twice a day. And I have for about three years
Nicky: Manners
Nicky: And making sure you’re always working. Never be out of work. Try your best.
Eve: That’s very interesting actually because work is something that’s come through with everybody that I’ve been speaking to … the importance of work
Nicky: Because everything’s so expensive now. My granddad used to say, ‘Oh yeah, thrrr… What are they called, what are they called? back in the day what were they called?
Lisa: Sixpence and all that.
Nicky: My granddad had a heart attack when I said I’d paid eight pounds for a Macdonalds
Lisa: Yeah but years ago, the money they earned, it was a lot of money then, but it’s not now.. it’s like our money’s not a lot of money.. it doesn’t go very far…. It’s inflation.. that’s the government, it’s nothing to do with us..
Eve: Yeah... no not really . So mainly values of don’t wear your heart on your sleeve and respect as well and family values …you’re close to your family aren’t you .. you wouldn’t just sort of reject your family… you sort of … you’re close to your family aren’t you…. I assume?
Nicky: They defend me. They could do something to hurt me I suppose.
Eve: But do you feel you want to stay close to your family?
Nicky: Yeah.
Eve: You’re living still at home.
Nicky: Yeah.
Eve: Emma, do you think that there are things that you've learnt from your Mum; likewise, things that you haven't learnt from her, like you think I'm not going to do that when I get older?
Emma: Yes mum has got this work ethic she works very hard and I think I've got that from her I want to do that. Also, Mum is very caring towards others. I think she's passed that on to me.
Eve: Do you think you've taught your Dad anything? Also do you think you've taught your grandad anything Emma? Obviously he's handed down lots of things to you and your mum particularly but do you think you've taught him anything, maybe things about the computer?
Emma: Yes I've taught him how to use his iPad and his laptop and they can be quite difficult to use.